a week at the gym

i didn't write this, but thought it was funny...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who has ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (THE DEAR) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school tennis team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband (THE SWEET DEAR) seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile....... Woo Hoo, let's get going!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.

He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to him in his awesome Lycra aerobic shorts.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the entire time that he was around.
WOW! This is going to be a fantastic week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile and Bruce's beautiful rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over the damn brush.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was becoming impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered all of the other club members.

His voice then became a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY, VERY, annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.

Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He mumbled some other stuff too.......but who listened.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my F---ING shoes.

Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as my punishment, he put me on the rowing machine which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that Bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of this world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader fruit. If there was a part of my body that I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat the shit out of him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!!

And if he didn't want dents in the floor, he shouldn't have handed me the *&%#(#&**!!@* barbells or anything else that weighed more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly, girly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even pick up the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband (THE BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or perhaps a hysterectomy.